99 Worst Dad Jokes on the Internet

By | October 18, 2018

Dad jokes are bad. I am not really letting out any secret by saying that. But as groan worry as many of these jokes are, they are still pretty funny.

That is why I scoured the internet to find 99 of the worst, most groan-worthy dad jokes I could and present them to you here.

  1. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
  2. I’m thinking about asking my ex-wife to re-marry me. But I’m worried she will think I’m just after her for my money.
  3. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it. 
  4. Just remember becoming a vegan would be a huge missed steak!!
  5. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
  6. What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
  7. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  8. I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.
  9. Did you know that 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions?
  10. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  11. I tried to change my password to “14days” but it was two week
  12. I just ate a frozen apple. It was hardcore.
  13. Do you know what was a ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
  14. Do you know why justice is a dish best-served cold? Because if it were served warm it would be just water.
  15. What did the disappointed oyster say? –Aw shucks!
  16. Scientists studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds have left no tern unstoned.
  17. How did the carpenter do on his construction exam? –He nailed it!
  18. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  19. Why did the vegetable boat sink? –It was full of leeks.
  20. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
  21. Why was the tooth start? –He got his fillings hurt.
  22. Why don’t dolphins have legs? It would de-feet the whole porpoise.
  23. Where did the frog go for a quick loan? –The pond shop
  24. Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.
  25. Why did the coffee go to the police? Because it got mugged.
  26. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
  27. What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
  28. Why did the electrician stay up all night? –She was wired!
  29. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
  30. I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – $20 – Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “Wow I can’t turn that down”.
  31. Hard poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes, but they’re a solid number two…
  32. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  33. What did one snowman say to the other one?  “Do you smell carrots?”
  34. What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad
  35. I’ve named my puppies Timex and Rolex. They’re watchdogs.
  36. Why aren’t jet skis called boatercyles?
  37. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
  38. Feeling Cold? Go stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually around 90 degrees.
  39. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  40. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  41. Did I ever tell you how I lost my job in a cemetery? it was a grave mistake.
  42. Did I ever tell you I used to have a job collecting leaves? I was really raking it in.
  43. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
  44. A man tried to sell me a coffin today… I told him that’s the last thing I need.
  45. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
  46. This bouncy castle’s twice the price of last year. That’s inflation for you!
  47. I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid. He says he can stop any time…
  48. I thought about going on an all-almond diet….. But that’s just nuts
  49. Without geometry life is pointless.
  50. What’s a duck’s favorite dip? Quackamole
  51. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
  52. Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
  53. At first, I didn’t like having a beard. But then it grew on me.
  54. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  55. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An in-vestigator
  56. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
  57. What’s the best thing about elevator puns? They work on so many levels.
  58. Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
  59. Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
  60. Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.
  61. I worked for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.
  62. What do you call a lost rabbit? A hare loss.
  63. I’ve got an addiction to water, I think I’m an aquaholic.
  64. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
  65. I decided to sell my Vacuum Cleaner. It was just collecting dust
  66. A banana walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
  67. I donut understand food puns.
  68. What do you get when you cross a police dog and a skunk? Law and Odor.
  69. I still remember my Doctor’s advice after I broke my arm in several places. He said Doctor “In the future, I would avoid those places.”
  70. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  71. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  72. I remember the first time I saw a universal remote controller. I thought to myself “well, this changes everything…”
  73. Never discuss infinity with a mathematician – you’ll never hear the end of it.
  74. What does a grape say when it is stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
  75. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
  76. Broken Quiz Machine for sale – No questions asked
  77. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – I can’t put it down
  78. Whiteboards are remarkable.
  79. One time I tried to catch some fog. I mist
  80. Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my legs and just lean forward. Becasue that’s how I roll.
  81. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  82. Two peanuts were walking down the street. Suddenly one was a salted.
  83. I’ve forgotten all my boomerang jokes, but I’m sure they’ll come back to me.
  84. Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old. It is Ancient Grease.
  85. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  86. Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
  87. My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
  88. My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?” I said ” It doesn’t matter. I’ll take either oar.”
  89. My daughter just lost her mood ring, really don’t k now how she feels about it.
  90. Did you know that the only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly?
  91. How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on sail
  92. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
  93. Did you hear about the scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours? They called it a day.
  94. What happens when you tell an egg a joke? It cracks up.
  95. What do you call the shortest mother at the daycare? The minimum.
  96. I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
  97. Did you know that if a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  98. Bad puns are how eye roll.
  99. I invented a new word today! Plagiarism

I’m sorry.

Sharing is caring!