Dad jokes are bad. I am not really letting out any secret by saying that. But as groan worry as many of these jokes are, they are still pretty funny.
That is why I scoured the internet to find 99 of the worst, most groan-worthy dad jokes I could and present them to you here.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
- I’m thinking about asking my ex-wife to re-marry me. But I’m worried she will think I’m just after her for my money.
- Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
- Just remember becoming a vegan would be a huge missed steak!!
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
- What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new
couchwould be. But sofa so good.
- Did you know that 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions?
- This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
- I tried to change my password to “14days” but it was two week
- I just ate a frozen apple. It was hardcore.
- Do you know what was a ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
- Do you know why justice is a dish
best-servedcold? Because if it were served warm it would be just water.
- What did the disappointed oyster say? –Aw shucks!
- Scientists studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds have left no tern unstoned.
- How did the carpenter do on his construction exam? –He nailed it!
- A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
- Why did the vegetable boat sink? –It was full of leeks.
- I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
- Why was the tooth start? –He got his fillings hurt.
- Why don’t dolphins have legs? It would de-feet the whole porpoise.
- Where did the frog go for a quick loan? –The pond shop
- Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.
- Why did the coffee go to the police? Because it got mugged.
- What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
- What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
- Why did the electrician stay up all night? –She was wired!
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
- I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – $20 – Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “Wow I can’t turn that down”.
- Hard poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes, but they’re a solid number two…
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
- What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
- What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad
- I’ve named my puppies Timex and Rolex. They’re watchdogs.
- Why aren’t jet skis called
- How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
- Feeling Cold? Go stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually around 90 degrees.
- Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
- I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
- Did I ever tell you how I lost my job in a cemetery? it was a grave mistake.
- Did I ever tell you I used to have a job collecting leaves? I was really raking it in.
- What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
- A man tried to sell me a coffin today… I told him that’s the last thing I need.
- Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
- This bouncy castle’s twice the price of last year. That’s inflation for you!
- I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid. He says he can stop any time…
- I thought about going on an all-almond diet….. But that’s just nuts
- Without geometry life is pointless.
- What’s a duck’s favorite dip? Quackamole
- I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
- Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
- At first, I didn’t like having a beard. But then it grew on me.
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
- What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An
- I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- What’s the best thing about elevator puns? They work on so many levels.
- Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
- Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
- Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re
- I worked for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.
- What do you call a lost rabbit? A
- I’ve got an addiction to water, I think I’m an aquaholic.
- Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
- I decided to sell my Vacuum Cleaner. It was just collecting dust
- A banana walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
donutunderstand food puns.
- What do you get when you cross a police dog and a skunk? Law and Odor.
- I still remember my Doctor’s advice after I broke my arm in several places. He said Doctor “In the future, I would avoid those places.”
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote controller. I thought to myself “well, this changes everything…”
- Never discuss infinity with a mathematician – you’ll never hear the end of it.
- What does a grape say when it is stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
- Broken Quiz Machine for sale – No questions asked
- I’m reading a book on the history of glue – I can’t put it down
- Whiteboards are remarkable.
- One time I tried to catch some fog. I mist
- Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my legs and just lean forward.
Becasuethat’s how I roll.
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
- Two peanuts were walking down the street. Suddenly one was a salted.
- I’ve forgotten all my boomerang jokes, but I’m sure they’ll come back to me.
- Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old. It is Ancient Grease.
- How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
- Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
- My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
- My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?” I said ” It doesn’t matter. I’ll take either oar.”
- My daughter just lost her mood ring, really don’t k now how she feels about it.
- Did you know that the only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly?
- How did the pirate get his ship so cheap? It was on
- My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
- Did you hear about the scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours? They called it a day.
- What happens when you tell an egg a joke? It cracks up.
- What do you call the shortest mother at the daycare? The minimum.
- I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
- Did you know that if a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
- Bad puns are how eye roll.
- I invented a new word today!