Business Buzzwords for Stay at Home Parents Translated!

By | January 10, 2019

When you leave your career and familiar setting for the new world of child-care everything changes. I do mean everything. Your clothing, your priorities, your diet and even your ability to communicate. The business buzzwords that were a part of every meeting and sales call take on a hole new meaning.

This is a problem because we all know poor communication is the leading cause of both divorce and haveing a sore back becasue you are sleeping on the couch because as my wife puts it, you know what you did.

– By the way ladies, we NEVER know what we did. Just tell us. It will save a ton of time.

That is why I took the time to sit down and translate for all of you out there. Consider this the Rosetta Stone to keeping your relationship, and your back, healthy. You can thank me later.

Business Buzzwords

  • Meeting – A playgroup with other parents.
  • Team Meeting – A playgroup with other parents you actually like.
  • Coffee break – A sip of cold coffee during the nanosecond the kids aren’t fighting or need something.
  • Working Lunch – Eating standing up while I try to get the kids to eat, stop fighting, get ready to go, or any other task they should be able to handle by now.
  • Business dinner – The dinners I spend hours cleaning up for so our guests won’t know that my children are actually total slobs.
  • Break Room – The closet I hide in so I don’t have to share whatever snack I am trying to eat.
  • Human Resources – Mediating disputes, and trying to keep the kids from fighting every second they are awake.
  • Logistics – Scheduling and taking the kids to all billion of their doctor’s appointments and activities.
  • Information Technology – Fixing a broken toy or searching for the charger for the Ipad
  • Information Technology 2 – I am the Keeper of the wifi password
  • Sales – Trying to convince my kids to eat something healthy by telling them how good it is.
  • Customer service – When I am nice to my kids’ friends even though they are so poorly behaved I think their parents are incompetent or doing this on pourpus.
  • Taking it to the Higher Ups – When I threaten the kids that if they don’t listen I’m going to tell their mother.
  • Business casual – Basically anything I didn’t sleep in.
  • Business wear – Clean Clothing without stains, yet.
  • Casual Wear – Just be happy I’m wearing pants
  • Change Agent – Diaper duty
  • Incentivize – The bribe I use to get my kids to eat
  • Strategy – The pointless plan I have for getting the kids through the day that is ruined 10 minutes in so I am running late all day.
  • Synergy – Watching someone else’s kid so they will watch mine tomorrow
  • Procurement – Buying groceries so I can later make a dinner that the kids will refuse to eat.
  • Deliverables – Accomplishing the task of getting the kids to school on time.
  • Hitting your numbers – When I am at the pediatrician and they tell me I got enough food into my kids so that they are a healthy weight.
  • Confidential – Something I screwed up on that I sure as hell am not going to tell my wife about.
  • Growth Hacking – Buying clothing so that when your oldest grows out of it the next younger kid can wear it
  • Outside the box – The current location of every toy my child owns while that nice toybox sits empty
  • Mondays – Saturdays because I know the kids will be home all damn day
  • Low hanging Fruit – Stuff I didn’t put up high enough so the dog and or toddler has now destroyed
  • Work Trip – A Family Vacation where we are doing the same thing as when we are home but now have fewer resources to do it.
  • Corporate Retreat – Tagging along on the kids’ field trip making you feel better about your kids when you see some of the other kids are almost feral.
  • Day off – There is no stay at home parent equivalent

There. I hope that helps. Now if you want to see a few more tips check out the 5 Worse Things You Can Do To Your Stay At Home Spouse

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