I’m Not Cool, I’m a Dad

By | January 31, 2019

I’m not cool.  I know it, you know it, we all know it. There is nothing I can do about it. It is just the way it is. I am not sure how or when it happend, but I can now say with pride. I’m not cool, I’m a Dad.

Many of you may assume that I am not cool because of my age. You think that as I aprouch 40 I am not cool anymore. But that isn’t true. There are lots of guys who are cool that are older then I am right now. Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Samual L. Jackson. All of them are older then I am but still much much cooler.

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time when used to be cool too.  When I went out people wanted to talk to me. I used to be invited to things. My clothing was trendy, and I knew what was going on in the world. I had my finger on the pulse of what was cool and I was “with it”. Of course, that time was so long ago “with it” was still something cool people said.

Times have changed

Then things changed. Suddenly I was no longer cool. It was like the moment that I was handed that baby in the delivery room all of the cool in my entire body evaporated and BOOM I was a dork. That’s right, instant dork, just add baby.

But after a long time thinking about it, I know the reason I am not cool. It’s because I am a dad. I think with very few exceptions it is impossible to be cool and to be a real dad.

Especially to your kids once they hit their teens. Being cool and being a real dad is not a thing. The two are mutually exclusive. Just the act of becoming a dad caused my cool factor to shrink faster than my hairline receded, and my kids are still pretty young.

My kids will never let me forget I’m not cool

I have had many moments that remind me I am not cool. Most recently was a trip with my girls to a water park.  The cool guys sat poolside, sipping their fancy drinks. They were chatting quietly and enjoying adult conversation. All of them were in shape with a full head of hair winking at the ladies that noticed them as they walked by.

Where was I? I was standing with my girls in the pool waiting for a huge bucket to dump about five thousand gallons of water on my head. The girls loved it, which is why we did it approximatly, 500 times. In case you were wondering no one looks cool getting a bucket of hotel pool water on their heads.

We followed that up with a trip down a water slide. The girls were fine on the slide. But you should have seen the look of shock and horror on that poor employee’s face when my fat butt came out of that tube. I am not sure if it was fear because he wasn’t expecting an adult, or surprise that I fit through the tube. Either way, I feel bad for that poor guy because it was probably a bit of both.

Dads are not cool

If you have ever heard a dad joke you know dads aren’t cool. No cool person uses words like potty, blanky or ouchie. Dads do. No cool has ever danced horribly just to embarass their kids. But dads do that too. No cool person has EVER had to take credit for every smell in the room just to save their daughter, or sometimes wife, from embarrassment. But once again, dads do.

Dads just can’t be cool. It’s impossible to be cool when you are covered in snot and dirt after comforting a crying child. You can’t be cool when celebrating a successful trip to the potty in the middle of a grocery store. There is no way to be cool singing as loudly, and a poorly as you can along to whatever Disney song the girls like at the moment. 

Personally, I don’t worry about it much. Because, despite it all, my girls think I am cool. Right now they think I am a superhero. To them, I am the ultimate in cool.  I know that will change but I plan to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Because when that stage is over the real fun beguines.

Post cool

You see every dad has one more stage to go through after all of the cool has left their body. Dads are not only not cool, they are embarrassing.

I can’t wait for this to happen. Then I get my revenge. I plan to do everything in my power to humiliate my kids. I will dance, wear mismatched clothing sing, whatever it takes to emabarase them. That is every dad’s reward for sacrificing their cool when they first became dads. 

So I’m not cool, and I am ok with it. I know most of the cool guys I see won’t be cool one day. They will have their own kids who just like mine will be wiping boogiers on them or reminding them that they are balding or fat

If you, like me, used to be cool don’t despair. It’s ok. Don’t worry because it isn’t so bad not being cool. You get to have fun not caring what people think. So say it proudly. I’m not cool. I’m a Dad.

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